


I'm Sorry

by Laurincia



Series: Remember? [2]
Category: Tom Clancy's Rainbow Six (Video Games)
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Blow Jobs, Gangs, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Insomnia, Jackal needs a hug, Like a really big hug, M/M, Rape/Non-con Elements, Shower Sex, Typical Teenager Behavior, drug mention, implied depression, singular
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-02
Updated: 2018-02-02
Packaged: 2019-03-11 19:18:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13530873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laurincia/pseuds/Laurincia
Summary: Every story has an end. Who knew Ryad's would end with a thousand scars and a knife in his stomach.





	I'm Sorry

**Author's Note:**

> This took forever to get out :))))) but I'm glad I finished it! I feel like I could have done better, but it's done!  
> This is essentially Jackal's point of view on the things that happened in part one  
> I'd like to thank all my frens on discord for helping me with some ideas and motivation, and Grain_Crain for writing the sin ;)  
> ALSO please don't hesitate to tell me if I didn't tag something properly

The autumn air was crisp and cool. Ryad had been waiting on the corner where the grass meets the sidewalk for his brother. He’s done it for as long as he could remember and it was getting progressively colder as the days passed, but the cold didn’t affect him. “Hey!” A voice called out. Ryad turned to see who it was. It was a small, chubby boy with faded brown hair sticking out of a tightly knit beanie on top of his head. He had a light blue hoodie along with a scarf. Ryad knew him. He was the loud boy in two of his classes. “Why are you still here?” He asked, walking up to Ryad.

“I’m waiting for my brother,” Ryad muttered. 

“Oh. I’ll wait with you then!” The boy grinned. 

“You don’t have to.” 

“I want to, I’m Sébastien,” he held out a hand. 

“Ryad,” he introduced himself and shook the boy's hand.

“Nice to meet you!” 

 

Faisal didn’t come that day. Ryad was picked up by his current foster parents, Mary and Jay. They were alright. Perhaps Faisal would pick him up some other time. He had promised after all. 

 

The next day, Sébastien joined Ryad on waiting for his brother. He didn’t come that day either. Ryad was bummed out. Sébastien asked if he was alright. Ryad insisted he was fine, patting the other twice on the cheek. 

  
  


The class had started. Ryad sat in his seat in the back, by the windows. He liked seeing the snowfall and the wind rustling the leaves. Sébastien came into the class and sat in the seat next to him, looking sad. “I’m sorry your brother didn’t come,” Sébastien muttered.

Ryad didn’t know why he was apologizing for something he can’t control. “It’s alright, he’s probably busy.” 

Ryad liked Sébastien. Sure he could be loud, but he was a nice kid. They quickly became close friends and Ryad was becoming more outgoing. Mary was happy he had a friend and had told Ryad to invite Sébastien over for dinner one day. Sébastien was glad he could go. Jay and Mary instantly fell in love with Sébastien.

 

Faisal didn’t show up once for that entire month, but Sébastien still waited with him regardless, even though a blizzard, he still waited. One day, Jay came to pick Ryad up after school. He was crying. He didn’t say anything until they got home. Mary was sitting on the couch with her head in her hands and a pile of papers was on the coffee table in front of her. Jay knelt down and held Ryad’s face in his hands. He explained that they had financial problems, that they couldn’t afford to take care of him anymore, that Mary had cancer. 

Ryad didn’t go to school for the next week. He went back to the foster care center and waited. He wished Sébastien knew where he was. He wished he was able to tell him what happened. 

 

He was out of there in a week. A single mother named Maria had come for him. She had a temper, but she was nice. He went back to school the next day, and Sébastien was ecstatic to see him. They still waited for Faisal together at the corner. 

 

Nothing happened for the rest of the year. Faisal didn’t come, Maria was still taking care of him, and he was still friends with Sébastien. The other boy had other friends, but he would always choose Ryad over them. It was second grade when Faisal had finally come. When Ryad noticed, he had almost cried. He ran off the corner and jumped into his brother’s arms. His brother was laughing and set Ryad back down on the ground, Sébastien walked over smiling. 

“Cómo estás, Chacal?” Faisal asked. He was wearing a light gray jacket with various patches, zippers, and pockets.

Ryad giggled. “Muy bien!” He took a hold of Faisal’s sleeve and pulled him over to Sébastien. “Faisal! That’s Sebastian! He’s my friend!” Ryad introduced his friend. He had always felt bad that he could never pronounce Sébastien’s name properly, but the other boy always insisted it was fine. 

“Nice to meet you, kiddo,” Faisal ruffled Sébastien’s hair. They had talked a little while longer before they had to leave. Ryad had never been happier. His brother finally came.    
  


Faisal had driven him to Maria’s house. She seemed happy to see Faisal. They talked about some things before Faisal had to leave again. Ryad hugged his brother for a long time before letting him go. “Can I go to Sébastien’s house tomorrow?” Ryad asked Maria. 

She smiled. “Of course, darling. Just make sure you are able to come back before it’s too late, okay?” 

Ryad hummed and went up to his room for homework while Maria made dinner. 

 

~~   
  


Ryad had told Sébastien that he was able to go to his house the next morning. The other was happy. He had told his mother all about Ryad and she couldn’t wait to meet him. After school, they both ran to Sébastien’s house three blocks away from the school. Sébastien bulldozed through the mahogany door and called out to his mom that he was home. Ryad followed closely behind and set his backpack down next to Sébastien’s. His mother came down the stairs and made a beeline to Ryad, saying how it was nice to meet him and that he was adorable. Ryad blushed and said he wasn’t. She lightly chuckled and told the boys to go up to Sébastien’s room. Instantly, Ryad noticed that he had a lot more stuff than he did. He didn’t get jealous. They lived separate lives, after all. 

 

The two went outside for a short while. Sébastien had taken one of the house keys and told Ryad to follow him. Sébastien pointed to a crack in the trunk of the large evergreen. “Put the key in there! So that way, you can come over and you will know where the key is!” Sébastien grinned. He handed the gold key to Ryad and watched as he stood on the balls of his feet to place the key into the crack. They were six at the time.

 

After that, they had alternated between rounds of Mario Kart and homework until Sébastien’s mom called them down for dinner. He had to go home in an hour, but it was a good day. Sébastien’s mom turned the whole house upside down looking for the house key. Sébastien told her that they put the key in the tree, so that would never forget where it is, or wouldn't get locked out of they ever forgot. She was mad for a short while, but in the end, she made the two cocoa before driving Ryad home and invited him to spend the night over the weekend. Ryad didn’t hesitate to ask Maria if he could the second he got home. She smiled and said it was alright. She and Maria exchanged contact information and Ryad took a shower before going to bed. Maria told him to remember the phone number in case something happened. 

 

~~

 

The weekend over at Sébastien’s house never came, but the police did. They broke down doors and fired rubber bullets. Maria was arrested, and Ryad was sent back to the foster home. He cried that night. He wanted to tell Sébastien that he couldn’t go, that something happened to Maria, but he couldn’t. 

 

A week passed. A steady stream of schoolwork and homework was delivered to Ryad by one of the volunteers at the foster center. It was spring, and he missed Sébastien. He missed Maria and Sébastien’s mom, Sherryl. He missed Faisal. 

 

Two more weeks had passed before one of the people in the foster home told him someone was there to see him. It was one of the officers the night they came into Maria’s house. They just asked him questions and left him alone after that. 

  
  


Someone had come to see him. He looked nice. He liked to wear oversized hoodies. His name was Tobias. He said that he would be his new foster father. Something about him was just unsettling.

 

He returned to school later that week. Sébastien was worried, but Ryad insisted everything was fine with a smile and two pats on the cheek. Sébastien hated the gesture. Everything went back to normal a few days later. He was finally able to spend the night at Sébastien’s house that weekend. Sherryl was relieved to know that Ryad was alright. She made Montreal-style smoked meat for dinner. The two boys played video games nonstop, eating various junk food around the house. Sherryl scolded them when they stayed up too late. 

 

Ryad had to return home Sunday. Sébastien insisted that they would drive him home. He appreciated the gesture and didn’t complain. He got to spend more time with Sébastien. They played a short-lived game of ‘I Spy,’ with Sébastien being the current winner. Sherryl walked him to the front door. Tobias opened the door shortly after the doorbell stopped ringing. He didn’t have an oversized hoodie on today. He greeted her with a stiff, uncomfortable handshake and Ryad waved a goodbye to Sébastien in the car. He hugged Sherryl and entered the house. The door closed slowly and silently. “Who’s Faisal?” Tobias asked, sitting down on the couch, watching a football game. 

Ryad frowned slightly. “He’s my brother.” 

Tobias’ eyes narrowed. “He said he’s going to pick you up from school tomorrow.” 

“Okay,” Ryad stifled his excitement. He just had a feeling that Tobias wouldn’t like that fact that he was excited about his brother coming to pick him up.

 

~~

 

Sébastien would still wait with Ryad for Faisal to come. They were talking about nothing in particular, just whatever came into their minds. Some topics were stupid, but Ryad enjoyed the conversation nonetheless. Faisal came a little after the school buses left. He was still wearing the light gray jacket. Faisal messed up Ryad’s hair and greeted Sébastien with a pat on the head. 

 

Faisal had come for him later that week. Ryad was thrilled. Faisal was officially eighteen, he was officially his guardian. He remembered Sébastien’s mom’s phone number and asked Faisal if he could use his phone. He texted them saying that he was alright and that Faisal was his guardian. He didn’t have to see that damned foster home again. He was happy he didn’t see Tobias, but the happiness didn’t last long. Something happened. There was an accident, and Faisal was in the hospital. One of the nurses gave Ryad Faisal’s gray jacket, cleaned and pressed. He kept it in his closet. It was too big for him anyway.

 

~~

 

Sixth grade came quickly. The previous years had blurred together after the accident, and he had to go back to Tobias. Ryad didn’t know if Sébastien would notice anything was wrong with him. He hoped he didn’t. He knew himself that he was getting depressed, less energetic, abused, but he couldn’t do anything about it. He was getting more cautious around people, he feared Sébastien would worry. He caught Sébastien staring at him one day. He didn’t realize why until he went home and noticed the dark bruises on his arms. He wore long sleeves and made sure to cover all skin the next time Tobias hit him. He tried not to be too sad whenever Faisal didn’t come for him. He knew why, but Sébastien didn’t. He was hesitant whenever Tobias came to pick him up. He took too long to get in the car once and he had yelled at Ryad. The concerned look on Sébastien’s face killed him. Ryad assured him everything would be fine and pat him on the cheek twice. 

 

Summer came and passed. Faisal was discharged from the hospital with healing bones. He assured Ryad that he would be fine. Unfortunately, Faisal wasn't ‘fit' to be Ryad’s guardian, and he had to go back to Tobias. 

 

Ryad couldn’t sleep much. He was afraid. Something had happened to Tobias, he had changed. He became more aggressive, more physical. Ryad had grown quite a bit and still tried to maintain his energy around Sébastien. He didn’t want his best friend to worry, but he was just drained. He passed out in his third hour. The teacher was concerned about his health, but Ryad insisted he would be fine. 

 

He came home fearing for his life. Tobias threw Ryad against the wall the second he opened the door. “What the fuck did you do?!” He yelled. He had a firm grip on his neck. 

“W-what?” Ryad choked out, confused. 

“I got a call from your school!” Tobias yelled like it was the most obvious thing in the world. 

Ryad brought his hands up and grabbed Tobias’ arm, trying to push him away. His vision was fading and he couldn’t breathe. Tobias loosened up slightly and Ryad doubled over, coughing. “What the fuck did you do?” Tobias asked again. He let go of Ryad.

“I fell asleep in class,” Ryad gasped, clutching his neck. 

“Why? Are you not getting enough sleep at home?” Tobias grabbed the back of Ryad’s shirt and lifted him up. 

“I-I don’t know.” Fear was setting in. He knew what was coming. 

Tobias frowned and dragged him up the stairs. Ryad tried not to struggle or scream, but it was all too much. He ended up crying himself to sleep on the floor.

 

Ryad barely managed to get up off the floor the next morning, and put on a pair of black boxers and sweatpants. His arms hurt, his neck hurt,  _ everything _ hurt, but he continued on. He put on a mint green hoodie Sébastien had given him once, and just barely managed to get to class on time. He sat next to Sébastien as usual and tried to ignore the radiating pain. “Are you okay?” Sébastien whispered, looking concerned. 

Ryad nodded. “Just fell out of a tree, is all.” He pats Sébastien on the cheek twice. 

He could tell Sébastien didn’t believe him, but he didn’t question it. 

 

The pain started fading when the first hour was over. It hurt to move and sit, but Ryad could manage. He and Sébastien walked to the locker rooms together and stopped at their lockers. Ryad got out his gym gear and turned to change with his back against the lockers. The cold metal was a good relief for the remaining burning pain and hot skin. No one else was in the locker rooms apart from Sébastien. Ryad didn’t know if Sébastien saw the bruises or cuts. He just hoped he didn’t. 

  
  


Sébastien invited Ryad over to spend the night again. Surprisingly, Tobias let him. Ryad couldn't contain his excitement. 

 

~~

 

The first year of high school was normal. Nothing in his home life changed. Faisal had occasionally called in, checking up on Ryad. Faisal assured him that he would pick him up one day, that he'd take care of him. Ryad appreciated it. He knew he was changing. He knew he was getting more aggressive, more paranoid, but he couldn't help it. He knew Sébastien was worried. The Canadian would still wait with Ryad for Faisal or Tobias. Faisal had only come to pick him up once that year. 

  
  


It was the second year of high school. Ryad was tired,  _ exhausted _ even. Tobias wasn't letting him rest. He had started hallucinating a day ago. It started with minor things, menacing shadows forming at the corner of his eye, loud yelling with various voices, the imminent and looming fear of danger. One day it was particularly bad. He was taking a binder out of his locker when someone had applied a light pressure to his arm. His mind didn’t register that it could be a friend. He didn’t realize that he was safe, that no one would hurt him in the way he's already been hurt. A voice was distorted. He didn’t see the face of a friend, he saw the face of Tobias, dark and grim, preparing for something unspoken. Ryad flinched, ripping his arm away. He turned and pushed whoever it was. A loud, hollow metallic bang rang out through the halls. 

“Ryad?” A soft voice spoke, betrayed. 

His vision returned. Sébastien was on the ground, back against the tan lockers, looking up at him with hurt, betrayal,  _ fear _ in his eyes. Ryad didn’t know what to do, so he just turned and walked away. He didn’t know if he would ever be able to explain anything to Sébastien anymore, so he avoided Sébastien for the rest of the year. 

 

~~

 

The summer was boring, but Tobias didn’t touch him. He hates Sébastien with a passion and never allowed Ryad to see him again. It was painful, but Ryad didn’t know if Sébastien would even talk to him anymore. A teacher had been concerned for the sheer number of bruises that appeared on his skin every week and had contacted child services. They would investigate the case. They wouldn’t find anything though, Tobias made sure of it. 

 

During the summer, new neighbors moved in next door; Mark Peterson and Jack Estrada, from somewhere in North Carolina. Tobias seemed to like them well enough. Mark was an FBI agent, and Jack was his son. The day they found out, Tobias made damn sure that Ryad would never snitch. He noticed Jack staring at him strangely the next day. The case eventually blew over, and everything returned to the way it was before. Their friendship was relatively normal, with talking and hanging out. It was normal to any onlooker who never noticed lingering stares and touches. 

 

Before, Ryad had never really interacted with Jack. He had seen him once and made some very awkward small talk when he saw Jack sitting on the porch railing, overlooking the construction workers who were digging a hole for a pool. After that, Ryad had run into Jack multiple times over the summer. Once, literally. He was taking a jog around the neighborhood when he had rounded a corner and ran straight into Jack. One thing Ryad noticed, was that Jack was built like a brick wall. Ryad had crashed straight into Jack and fell straight onto his ass. He winced and suppressed a curse. “I’m sorry, you alright?” Jack asked, extending a hand out to him. 

Ryad ignored the pulsating pain and nodded. He took Jack’s hand and let the other pull him off the cement. 

“You sure you alright? You sure you didn’t break your tailbone?” Jack joked. 

If only he knew. “Yes, I’ll be fine, thank you for your concern.” 

“You going for a jog?” 

Ryad nodded. 

Jack hummed and put on his stupid sunglasses. “I’ll join you.” 

 

The two slowly jogged to a nearby park. Ryad noticed that Jack was keeping up with his painfully slow pace, even though he could easily lap him. “You don’t have to go slow,” Ryad said. The sun was getting higher. 

Jack shrugged. “I enjoy your company.”

 

They stopped under a gazebo in the park. Jack took a drink from the nearby water fountain and ran some of the water over his closely shaved head. Ryad just got a water bottle from a nearby vending machine. The sound of children on the playground provided some background noise. “Good run,” Jack said, sitting down on one of the benches on the tables.

Ryad agreed, opened the water bottle and took a drink. He splashed some on Jack. Sweat and the added water soaked through the American's light gray tank top.

“Much appreciated.” He pulled at his collar and took off his sunglasses. 

Ryad stretched, yawning. He could see a concerned look on Jack’s face but ignored it. 

“You haven’t been sleeping,” Jack pointed out. 

“Is it really that obvious?” Ryad asked. He sat down on the table before lying down, staring at the ceiling. He used the edge of the table to itch his leg through the compression sleeve. 

Jack grunted. “I have a way of figuring these sorts of things out.” 

“Really? Like what?” Ryad turned his head to look at Jack. 

“Your heart rate spikes whenever Tobias is around. You always seem to be nervous around him, paranoid,” Jack whispered. “Something happened.”

_ ‘’Something’ is still happening.’ _

“It’s fine if you don’t want to tell me, I understand,” Jack added quickly when Ryad fell silent and tensed up.

“Thank you.” Ryad smiled sadly and closed his eyes for a moment. 

  
  


Ryad woke up to a light pressure on his chest and panicked slightly. It was Jack. The American snapped awake and stared at Ryad. “Shit, did I scare you? I’m sorry.” 

Ryad shook his head. “It’s alright, I just panicked.”

“Yeah, I could tell,” Jack muttered. He got up off Ryad and cracked his neck. 

“What’s the time?” Ryad asked, sitting up. He winced as his back protested from lying down on the table.

Jack looked at his watch. “It’s one sixteen.” 

“We should head back.” 

Jack nodded and followed. 

  
  


When Ryad entered the house, no one was home. Ryad breathed out a sigh of relief and went into his room, locking the door. He picked up the office chair that was knocked over and set it back upright by the small desk. His phone buzzed on the nightstand it was charging on. It was a text from Jack. The exhaustion was setting in. 

 

_ Hey there _

_ Hey _

_ You sure you alright? You seemed pretty shaken up when you ran into me _

_ Yeah I’m fine, just got spooked _

_ Oh. Alright _

 

The conversation ended at that. Fatigue was wearing him down, so he slept. 

 

Ryad jolted awake to the sound of loud and continuous banging on his door. He bit back a curse and rushed to unlock his bedroom door. “What the fuck was you doing?” Tobias yelled the instant the door cracked open.

“I was sleeping,” Ryad simply said. His heart rate started picking up, fear was setting in. Tobias shoved the door open the rest of the way and Ryad staggered back. Tobias grabbed Ryad by the arm and slammed him against the wall. Ryad grunted and tried to pull away. Tobias tightened his grip and held Ryad’s arm against his back. “What were you doing before that?” 

“Jogging.” There was no point lying. 

“For nearly three hours?”

“Jack and I went to get food after.” 

Tobias pushed Ryad’s arm up further before pulling him off the wall and threw him on the carpeted floor. Ryad winced upon impact and tried to stand up. Tobias frowned and kicked him in the chest to keep him down. Ryad was on his back, clutching his aching chest, keeping a wary eye on Tobias. He knew what was coming next. Tobias reached down and grabbed Ryad by the neck, throwing him onto the bed. The impact on the mattress gave him minor whiplash, knocking his head back. Only his torso was on the mattress, his legs struggled to find a hold on the carpet. One hand held him still by the back of the neck and the other hand went to the band of his shorts and boxers, pulling them down. The atmosphere in the room was tense. Ryad could barely hear the sounds of a leather belt sliding through denim belt loops and falling to the floor over the sound of his own heart pounding in his chest. 

Tobias leaned forward. “If you don’t move or scream, I won’t tear you in half,” he whispered in Ryad’s ear. Ryad knew he was most likely lying, a false ray of light in a room of eternal darkness, just to make it more fun for the  _ monster _ holding him down . He tried to believe it, so he didn’t move. He stilled his movements and waited, like a jackal waiting to pounce on a bird. 

The pressure on the back of his neck lifted, and Tobias left the room. Ryad didn’t dare to move, but he saw his phone lying a few inches away.  _ Maybe _ he could do something. Maybe he could call the police, Jack, or maybe Tobias would find out. Maybe Tobias would kill him if he tried anything.  _ ‘At this point, death would be better _ .’ Tobias returned to the room, smiling contently as he saw Ryad still in the same position as before, still, compliant. Tobias slowly walked over and picked up the discarded belt off the floor. He folded the belt into a makeshift flogger and quickly brought it down onto one of Ryad’s thighs with a loud crack. The only warning Ryad received was the sound of the belt whipping through the air. Ryad jolted and clenched his teeth to prevent any noise from escaping his mouth. 

Tobias hit him with the belt more times than Ryad bothered to count, but it went past ten. He flinched and suppressed every noise whenever the strip of leather hit. The pain was immense, red-hot burning spread everywhere from his lower back to his thighs. Ryad didn’t know when he had started crying until his sheets were soaked in tears. Hands grabbed his arms were soon bound together with the belt, forearms pressed against each other, tied tight against his back, like some sort of criminal. The sounds of a bottle cracking open soon filled the room. The hand returned to the back of his neck and pushed him into the mattress and sheets. Tobias pulled down his pants Ryad tensed up and started shaking. His jaw clenched up and his nails were digging into his palms. He didn’t dare to move or to even think, he just kept his gaze focused on the plain white wall in front of him. Ryad didn’t know if he slept that night. 

  
  


The next morning, Jack had texted him a simple greeting. 

_ Hoy _

_ Hey* _

Ryad could barely move, everything burned and ached.

_ Hey _

_ You want to go to the park again today? _

_ Sure. I think I’ll walk though _

_ That’s fine, meet you there  :) _

 

Ryad struggled to get up off the floor. His legs ached as he used his bed for leverage and muttered a quiet curse. He stepped out of the shorts and boxers that were still around his legs and got a new pair along with sweatpants and a plain violet shirt. Tobias eyed him as he was leaving through the main door. “Where the fuck are you going?” He asked.

“Park,” Ryad simply said. 

Tobias just grunted a response. 

 

Ryad reached the park at a moderate pace and started looking for Jack, who was nowhere to be seen. He just received another text message. 

_ Come and find me ;) _

Ryad sighed but smiled nonetheless, looking around for any clues that might lead him to Jack’s location. It was still relatively early, so no one else was in the park yet. It was silent apart from the soft chirping of birds and crickets. 

There were blades of grass that were stamped down, seemingly by large and heavy combat boots, most likely Jack’s. He followed the faint trail and it leads him to the gazebo where they were yesterday. Ryad heard a muffled thump from the roof and backed up to see what it was. It was Jack, lying prone on the slanted roof. “You found me,” the American deadpanned. 

“Indeed I did.” 

Jack jumped off the roof and walked under, taking a seat on a bench. “Nice to know that you made it alive.” 

Ryad hummed. If only he knew. “How the hell did you get up there anyway?” There weren’t any firm hold points, the poles were smooth and there were no railings. 

“With a lot of difficulty and heart attacks,” Jack chuckled. He leaned forward and crossed his arms over the table. “I never asked, what school you going to?”

“Hereford,” Ryad replied simply. He took a seat next to Jack. “You?”

The other nodded slowly. “Chalet.” 

Ryad was kind of disappointed they wouldn’t be going to the same school. “Isn’t that the school for rich people?” 

Jack made an uncertain face and shrugged. “My dad heard that they have good programs and signed me up.” 

“Really? Like what?” 

“Uh…” Jack clicked his tongue and thought for a moment. “I think psychology was one? Anything having to do with medical stuff, engineering and I think military.” 

“Any of those you interested in?” Ryad asked. 

“Probably psychology and military. Who knows, I might do what my parents do.” 

“Dig into people’s minds? Shoot people?” Ryad joked. 

Jack laughed and lightly punched Ryad on the shoulder. “Only the bad guys.”

For the first time in a long time, Ryad feels like he found someone he could finally trust.

 

They met like that a few more times throughout the summer. Jack would hide, and Ryad would track him down. They would occasionally run around and try to see who would find who first. It’s been relatively tied up ever since they started. The two sat down shoulder to shoulder on some grass next to a small river and threw bread at ducks. “You think we’d ever end up on different sides of something?” Jack asked out of nowhere, throwing some crust into the water.  

“What do you mean?” Ryad gave Jack a strange look. 

“I don’t know, like maybe one day, I’ll be pointing a gun at you because you did something bad. Or the other way around.”

Ryad frowned. “Why would you think that?” 

Jack shrugged. “I don’t know!” 

“Well let’s hope that it doesn’t come to that.” 

Jack hummed. He tapped his fingers against the bag and looked over to Ryad. He looked completely relaxed, slightly hunched forward with a neutral expression, staring at the ducks as they ate the bread. Jack smiled fondly and lay his head down on Ryad’s shoulder. 

Ryad had received a call from a hospital later that night. They said Faisal has been killed. 

 

~~

 

Ryad isolated himself for the next few days. He had received occasional texts from Jack, asking him to hang out, if he was alright. He would always respond with one-word answers. Jack came over to his house after Tobias had left for work, with some chocolate and a laptop in hand. Ryad sighed and let him in, leading him up to his room. “What happened?” Jack asked, setting his laptop down on the bed.

“Something.” Ryad didn’t really know if it would be the best thing in the world to tell Jack. Maybe it would. He cares.  _ ‘Would Sébastien still care? It’s been a while.’ _

Jack frowned and tossed the bar of chocolate to Ryad who caught it without a hitch. “Well, while I’m here, let’s just chill!” Jack grinned, flopped down on the bed and opened his laptop. He patted the spot next to him while typing in his password. Ryad smiled fondly and sat down next to Jack, gingerly opening the packaged chocolate. “Anything you want to watch? Just to take your mind off things.” 

Ryad shrugged. “Don’t really care.” 

Jack hummed and opened up Netflix. “ _ ‘Supernatural’ _ it is then.” 

 

Jack had started in the first season and ended up halfway through the fifth episode when Jack’s laptop was about to die, so they just sat and talked. Maybe it would be a good thing for Jack to know. He seemed like a stable fixture in a room filled with false hope and broken furniture. “My brother died,” Ryad broke the small moment of silence when Jack finally set his laptop down to the side. 

“Shit, I’m sorry.” Jack pat Ryad’s thigh and his hand lingered there for a few seconds before he removed it. 

Ryad hummed. “They’re still investigating what happened. He was shot.” Ryad got up off the bed and walked towards his closet. He pulled out Faisal’s jacket. It was still clean and pressed, apart from the creases that formed from being folded in a closet for weeks. Ryad hasn’t touched it since the nurse gave it to him. He unfolded the jacket and set it down on the bed. It was well-worn but still in a good condition. “That was my brothers, a nurse gave it to me when he got into an accident,” Ryad said quietly. Jack said nothing and just listened. “I’ve lost many people I care about. I don’t know if they were just unlucky or if it’s my fault.” It was true. Ryad could never stop thinking about if he was the cause of why everyone soon left him, Mary and Jay, Maria, Faisal,  _ Sébastien _ . 

“Don’t think like that. That shit will ruin you.” 

_ ‘It already has.’ _ Ryad smiled sadly and muttered a quiet ‘thank you.’ Hopefully, Jack stays in his life. He’s the only thing anchoring him so far. Jack got up off the bed and walked over to Ryad, pulling the other into a hug. “There will always be someone who cares,” Jack whispered. 

Ryad closed his eyes and returned the hug, holding it for as long as Jack was comfortable with. For the first time in months, he feels safe. Wanted even. 

 

~~

 

It was getting late, and Tobias still wasn’t home. There was a good chance he wouldn’t be coming home today, so Jack decided to stay the night, play video games and watch boring tv show reruns in the living room. Jack was good company, he was laid back and relatively quiet, always aware of his surroundings and the people around him. Jack made a valiant effort not to psychoanalyze Ryad, but he couldn’t really help it at times. Ryad would never be too mad, he knows it’s basically second instinct for Jack to do so. 

They were sitting on the roof in front of Ryad’s window, staring out into the distance as the sun started setting, painting the sky in various shades of red, orange, pink and purple. Ryad was leaning back, putting his weight on his arms and hands while Jack leaned against the slightly opened window. The sounds of birds singing were soon replaced with crickets. 

“Ryad?” Jack broke the silence.

Ryad looked over at Jack. 

“I-I... “ Jack stuttered and looked away. Ryad couldn’t tell if he was blushing or it was the light hitting his face in a certain way.

“What is it?” Ryad asked. 

Jack made a concerned noise and looked back to Ryad. His fingers tapped an unidentified rhythm against the shingles. “I… Fuck!” Jack slapped the shingles and took a deep breath, breathing heavily. “Can’t figure out a damn way to get the words out of my throat.” 

“Is something wrong?” Ryad was getting worried. He couldn’t help but think back to Mary and Jay, about what happened to them.

“What? No, no! It’s not a bad thing. Well, at least I hope it isn’t,” Jack muttered. 

“It’s alright if you don’t want to tell me.” Something was obviously up. 

“I want to, I just can’t- ugh!” Jack groaned, exasperated, and brought his hands up to his face, leaning forward. 

Ryad didn’t know how to react. He reached forward hesitantly, pausing for a brief moment before placing a hand on Jack’s back. Ryad wished he had Jack’s superpower to instantly know how he was feeling right now, scared, angry, anything like that. 

Jack took a deep breath before sitting up again. He shifted his body to face Ryad, and gently took a hold of Ryad’s wrist.

Still moderately worried, Ryad gave him a confused look. 

Jack took another deep breath. He leaned forward and kissed Ryad. 

Ryad instantly tensed up at first, his mind gravitated towards anger and fear, but he relaxed soon enough. Jack, his  _ friend _ , was kissing him. He soon found himself leaning into the kiss until Jack abruptly pulled back, looking terrified. “Shit, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to, I’m sorry,” he said quickly. He turned and opened the window as if he couldn’t leave fast enough. Ryad snapped out of a dazed trance and managed to grab onto the end of Jack’s shirt before he completely went back inside. Jack stopped and looked back. His face was colored a light shade of red, avoiding Ryad’s gaze like a puppy that broke something. “Hey,” Ryad started softly. “It’s fine, I’m not mad,” he reassured. 

Jack finally looked at Ryad, surprised. “You’re not mad?” He asked, shocked. 

Shaking his head, Ryad responded, “no, why would I be?” He could never manage to admit it out loud, but he’d been secretly crushing on Jack for a while now, ever since he saw Jack on the front lawn of Mark’s house, shirtless, watering the grass. 

Jack didn’t know how to respond. It was only then that Ryad noticed how bright his eyes were. 

 

Jack was sleeping on the floor - he had insisted - while Ryad lay awake in his bed, replaying the kiss in his mind. Tobias still wasn’t home which was a major relief. He had rolled over to his side when his phone started buzzing. It was a call from Elena. He got out of bed, careful not to step on Jack or wake him up and walked to the kitchen before answering the call. 

_ “Buenos dias, perra!” _ Elena greeted on the other line in her usual cheery tone. He could hear some honking in the background.

“Es media noche, Elena,” Ryad stifled a yawn. He grabbed a water bottle from the refrigerator. 

_ “I know, but you never sleep anyway, besides, we haven’t talked in ages!”  _

“I know, it’s been a while.” 

_ “So, any juicy gossip lately? Any girls?” _ Elena said in a teasing manner. 

Ryad chuckled. “No, not really girls.” 

Elena over exaggerated a gasp.  _ “Is it a boy?” _

“Yes,” Ryad muttered. 

Elena squealed and Ryad had to hold the phone away from his ear to prevent an eardrum from being burst.  _ “You have to tell me  _ **_everything_ ** _ about him!”  _

Ryad laughed. He missed her enthusiasm for everything, even small, minuscule things. He sat down on one of the chairs around the dinner table and opened the bottle of water to take a sip.

_ “You’re stalling, come on!”  _ Ryad heard a crash coming from the other line followed by a soft curse. 

“I don’t know where to start,” Ryad muttered. 

_ “His height, build, personality?” _ Elena offered. 

“Well, he’s about the same height and built like a damn wall. He’s sweet,” Ryad said simply.

_ “That’s all you’re going to give me?”  _ Elena sounded offended. 

“That’s all you need, diablo.” 

_ “At least send me a picture.”  _

“Tomorrow. Promise.” 

_ “You better. Shirtless as well.”  _ Elena ended the call. 

  
  


Ryad didn’t know when would be a good time to take the picture for Elena. He had thought not to do it but ultimately decided to, in fear that Elena would fly over from Spain to kick his ass. He had waited for the ‘perfect’ moment, but in reality, he was stalling. Jack had officially asked Ryad out when morning came along, with the same nervousness as he displayed yesterday on the roof. Ryad tried to ignore the gripping fear crawling up his spine if Tobias ever found out, and was mildly successful. The perfect opportunity arose when Jack had dragged Ryad over to his house - since there was no actual food. Jack had excused himself to take a shower and told Ryad to do whatever he wanted. He noticed Mark wasn’t home. Jack had run upstairs and Ryad heard the shower turning on a few moments later. Ryad didn't know what to do so he just sat down on the couch, staring awkwardly at the dark television hanging on the wall. His phone buzzed in his pocket. It was another text from Elena. 

_ I’m still waiting  _

_ Soon _

_ Fine :( _

 

Ryad didn’t know how long he was sitting there, but Jack had started walking downstairs in nothing but a pair of black sweatpants and his stupid sunglasses resting on top of his head. Ryad quickly looked away when Jack noticed him sitting there and Ryad discreetly opened up the camera on his phone. He made sure the flash and sound were off after Elena had called.

“You hungry?” Jack asked. 

“Starving.” Ryad propped the phone up against his thigh with the back camera facing out. He managed to angle it decently and took a picture. He took a quick glance at the phone. It was a good picture. Jack didn’t notice anything and made his way into the kitchen. Jack went to the refrigerator and took out a bunch of eggs with a packet of bacon. Ryad followed Jack into the kitchen and quickly sent the picture to Elena. Elena responded with a gif of someone fainting. 

Jack had made some eggs alongside an assload of bacon and a couple of slices of french toast. 

 

~~

 

It’s been a few weeks since Ryad and Jack had officially started dating. Neither Mark nor Tobias have found out, with was a great relief to Ryad. God knows what Tobias would do to him if he ever did find out. Tobias has still been disappearing for days at a time. Ryad didn’t really care for it, as he could spend more time with Jack. They were laying in Ryad’s bed, watching some Russian YouTuber that occasionally cooks. Jack was getting fidgety and Ryad let a go of him. Jack turned around to face Ryad. “You’re still tired.” Jack deadpanned, staring at Ryad with those bright eyes of his. 

“I’m always tired,” Ryad pointed out.

“But it’s not the same type of tired as you were months ago.” 

Ryad made a confused face. “There’s a difference?”

Jack shrugged and placed a kiss on Ryad’s forehead. “Anything you want to say?”

“I hate your stupid sunglasses.” Ryad didn’t waste any time to critique his use of sunglasses. 

Jack frowned adorably. “But I like them,” he pouted, fiddling with the temples of the glasses. 

Ryad smiled and sat up straighter. Jack followed suit and stared at Ryad with those bright hazel eyes of his. Jack reached forward and cupped Ryad’s face, pulling him into a kiss. Jack closed his laptop and pushed away. Ryad let Jack control the situation, following along with his movements, his kisses, his touches. Jack lightly pushed Ryad back onto the bed. He ran his hands up Ryad’s shirt, feeling the skin and muscle. Ryad leaned into the touches. He pulled away for a quick breath before returning to the kiss. Jack’s hands were trailing lower, slowly warming hands were cool against the warm skin on Ryad’s lower back. Ryad groaned and latched onto Jack, pulling him tighter. A small pang of fear hit Ryad as soon as Jack’s hands reached his ass. Jack didn’t seem to notice and started massaging the flesh. The fear turned into full-blown terror. He pulled back and placed his hands on Jack’s chest, making a weak attempt to push Jack off. “Jack,” Ryad gasped.

Jack hummed and lightly nipped at his neck. 

“Jack.” Ryad tried putting more force into his voice. It didn’t seem to work. Ryad started panicking and he didn’t know why his vision blurred and his heartbeat quickened. “Jack!” Ryad yelled. He shoved Jack off and scrambled into the corner, breathing heavily, trying to make himself as small as possible. 

“Shit, Ryad, you alright? Did I hurt you?” Jack hesitantly reached forward. 

Ryad flinched and recoiled away from the touch, sinking further into the corner. Ryad could barely remember what happened next. He couldn’t hear the things he said, it was just something along the lines of ‘stop, no.’ Jack froze. His arm dropped and he stared at Ryad in complete shock. Several thoughts were running through his mind, but he just wanted to know how to stop Ryad from freaking out further. He was just against the corner with his head in his hands, hyperventilating. He flinched with every movement, with every breath and touch that Jack made. He knew he was having a panic attack, the signs were obvious, heavy breathing and hyperventilation increased heart rate. Jack could just feel the fear and dread radiating from Ryad. He just stayed there, frozen, unable to do a thing. “Ryad?” Jack asked once more. 

His response was faint, but he heard it. He knows he did. “Please, stop, go away,” in a tone quieter than a whisper, in a tone that sounded absolutely  _ ruined _ . 

  
  


Ryad didn’t know why Jack didn’t talk to him as much. He knew it most likely had something to do with what happened the previous night, with his freak out. The worst part is, Ryad didn’t even remember most of it, he  _ couldn’t _ , and Jack wouldn’t even do as much as look at him. Elena had called again that night. He didn’t tell her about what happened, he just told her everything was going great. It wasn’t, and Ryad hated it. He hated Jack for ignoring him, he hated himself for not being able to remember, he hated himself for being the way he was. He hated himself for not being as strong as he should be.

 

Ryad was finally able to talk to Jack when he cornered him against the fence in Mark’s backyard. Ryad saw Jack watering the lawn with his shirt off and with his stupid fucking sunglasses. Ryad easily hopped the fence and walked across the dampened lawn and straight to Jack. Jack let go of the sprinkler trigger when he saw Ryad and stood there. Jack didn’t know if he should run away or confront Ryad about his suspicions. Jack stepped backward the closer Ryad got until his back hit the fence. 

“Why the fuck are you ignoring me?” Ryad asked, trying not to sound too harsh. 

Jack looked away, ashamed. “I didn't know how to deal with it.” 

“Deal with what?” Ryad had his suspicions. Maybe Jack knows, maybe he doesn’t.  _ Hopefully,  _ he doesn’t.

Jack’s ashamed expression turned into confusion. “You don’t know?”

Ryad shook his head.

“Y-you freaked out. I didn’t know how to help you, you were freaking out and I-I didn’t know what to do, I'm sorry.” 

“‘Freaked out?’” Ryad was confused. 

Jack nodded. “I’m sorry.”

“You have no reason to be, just talk to me,” Ryad took a hold of Jack’s wrist. “Please.”  _ ‘I need you.’ _

 

~~

 

The couple of days following the incident went by much smoother. Things went back to normal, and neither of them brought it up. Ryad was grateful for it. He felt that things were starting to get tense, with school coming up soon. Hopefully, nothing bad happens. Jack had suggested they play sports so they have the chance to see each other in their respective schools. Jack had suggested American football for the sport, but Ryad was never really into it, calling Jack a ‘typical American’ in a joking manner. They decided different sports would be fine, they’d just go to every game they play. 

“You and your American sports,” Ryad teased Jack when they were discussing the whole sports thing while shopping for groceries. 

“Oh haha. It’s basically tradition, don’t hate.” Jack lightly punched Ryad on the shoulder. He picked up a box of pancake mix and placed it in the cart. 

“It should technically be called ‘soccer.’”

“You’re really playing that card?” 

“Yes.”

Jack laughed and rolled his eyes. “Well you can shove you and your ‘it’s soccer’ up your ass.”

“No need to go that far now.” Ryad smiled as Jack hopped onto the front of the cart, standing on the bottom railing, holding onto the basket for balance. 

“There is definitely a need to go that far,” Jack leaned forward for emphasis. 

Ryad just stared at him, unamused. He pushed the cart forward before coming to a sudden halt, pulling the cart back. Jack lurched backward and let out a less than manly scream before glaring at a laughing Ryad, picking up a loaf of bread from a nearby shelf and threw it at Ryad’s head. The loaf of bread landed in the basket of the cart with a soft thud. Jack shrugged. “We needed that anyway.” Jack hopped back onto the front of the cart. “You better not do that shit again.” 

Smiling, Ryad drew an X over his heart. “Promise.” 

“Lying bastard.” Jack tried to look pissed but ultimately failed at suppressing a large grin. “I’m requiring you to come to all my games.” 

“Same goes for me.” 

“Deal.”

“Deal.”

  
  


Ryad wasn’t able to sleep that night, not that he was ever able to sleep much anyway. Tobias wasn’t home, allowing Ryad to be able to breathe smoothly. It was nearly two thirty when Jack had sent a text to Ryad with his standard ‘hey’ greeting 

_ Hey! _

_ You’re awfully happy _

_ Is that a problem? _

_ No, I’m happy that you’re happy _

_ Well, you want to come over? Pool’s finished and I got some new M O V I E S _

 

Ryad chuckled and shook his head.

_ Sure _

_ Cool! Bring swimwear and a towel, just jump the fence ;)) _

 

Ryad ran a hand through his hair and stood up, quickly digging through his closet for a pair of dark blue swim trunks that he threw somewhere. The closet was still in decent condition when Ryad finally found them, and he changed out of his clothes from yesterday, into some obscure band t-shirt that was on top of a pile and the swimwear before grabbing a towel and heading over to Jack’s house through the backyard. Ryad easily jumped the fence and landed somewhat gracefully. Jack was floating peacefully in the middle of the pool with his stupid sunglasses and tilted his head to look at Ryad when he landed. “Glad you made it,” Jack righted himself and stood in the water. 

“Was there a reason why I wouldn’t?” Ryad asked, picking up a small foam basketball off the grass and walked up to the edge of the pool.

Jack shrugged and splashed some water around. “Join me!”

Ryad threw the foam ball at Jack’s head before tossing his towel over one of the chaise lounges His shirt soon joined the towel. Ryad was relieved that Jack’s stare wasn’t on any fading bruises or cuts, just on  _ him _ . Jack swam to the edge and folded his arms on the ledge, laid his head down and smirked. “Hot damn.” 

Ryad blushed and looked away, flustered. “Shut up.” 

Jack stuck out his tongue. “No, you’re hot and you’re mine.” 

“Same goes for me, but I hate your sunglasses,” Ryad teased. 

“I have other ones, besides, I know you love them.” Jack tossed the small basketball at Ryad. Ryad caught the ball and threw it back with more force, hitting Jack’s head again. This time, the ball knocked off his sunglasses. “Now that’s just rude.” Jack shook some stray water droplets off his hand, wiped some water off his face and looked up at Ryad with those bright hazel eyes of his. 

 

The rest of the time in the pool had blurred together. After a while, Jack had dragged Ryad to the bathroom with a mischievous glint in his eye. Ryad followed along with no complaints. “You’re still tired,” Jack muttered. 

“I’m always tired,” Ryad ran a hand through his damp hair. 

Jack hummed and wrapped his arms around Ryad and placed a sloppy kiss on Ryad’s cheek. “Promise me that you won’t do anything stupid.” Jack rested his head on the crook of Ryad’s neck. 

“Define stupid.” 

“Just stupid, I don’t know!” Jack sighed, pulled back and stared at Ryad.

“Kind of hard because you make me stupid.” 

Jack gave a shy smile and dragged Ryad into the shower with him and turned on the water. Jack hissed out a quiet curse when the water was a bit too hot and adjusted the temperature. The second the shower door closed, Jack pounced, attacking Ryad’s mouth with his own. Skepticism and fear lingered in the back of Ryad’s mind, but he refused to let it get in the way. He forced himself to focus on the face in front of him, not the one stalking the shadows in his mind. Ryad focused on the hands running down his body, on the warm water hitting his skin, anything that wasn’t the dark corner of his mind. Jack would take care of him. He had to. Ryad needed him to. Jack’s hands stopped at Ryad’s lower back and pulled back, giving Ryad a look of concern. Ryad took a breath and nodded. Jack hesitated so Ryad took the initiative to start, letting his fingers run around the waistband of Jack’s swim trunks before slowly pulling them down. The swimwear fell and landed around Jack’s ankles before he stepped out of them. Ryad let his eyes scan over Jack’s body, following the water run down his chest, his arms, his hips, and legs. Jack blushed and stared at Ryad, running his hands up and down the stretch of Ryad’s back. His fingers lingered and trailed up slowly on a small scar along his spine. 

“You going to join me?” Jack joked. 

Ryad chuckled. “You’re so cute when you’re embarrassed.”

“Go to hell,” Jack muttered. He hooked his thumbs on the band of Ryad’s dark blue swim trunks, pulling them down. “You’re beautiful, my little ray of sunshine,” Jack muttered. He pulled Ryad closer and placed a kiss on Ryad’s shoulder on a fading bruise. 

Ryad hummed and closed his eyes, leaning back on the cool tile walls of the shower. 

“You’re sure you’re alright with this?” The water running down Ryad’s skin and his quickening heartbeat were distracting enough to forget any fears that he previously had, and let Jack take control of the situation. The American started slowly, his hand caressed Ryad’s cock, paying mind to every single reaction that was made. Ryad’s breathing was short and quick, more from the anticipation he was starting to feel than his fears. Noticing the hesitation, Ryad gave a nod for Jack to continue. Jack grabbed the length in his hand and leaned forward, his mouth pressing gently against the side of the flesh in his hand. The soft groan from Ryad was a sign that he was doing something right, the sound encouraging him to continue with what he was doing. Jack smiled up at his lover, his lips wrapping around the head of Ryad’s cock his tongue playing with the slit. This action alone made Ryad glad that there was a wall behind him, keeping him from falling over as he watched Jack bobbing in and out from his groin. The squeezing sensation of his dick pressed against Jack’s tongue was encouraging Ryad to move his hips a little, but he held the urge down to be a gentleman to his boyfriend. The tongue and palate firmly squeezed Ryad’s dick, hardening it one stroke by the other. 

“Slower,” Ryad’s voice shook in pulsating orgasm that he tried to hold down. He almost bit his cheek when Jack put more pressure on the sensitive member, which was something completely opposite of what Ryad asked of.

“Can’t have you on my ass so soon.” Jack chuckled and lightly nibbled on the foreskin. As someone who is not a big fan of being nibbled down there, Ryad could feel his hands twitching, eager to grab his lover’s head and shove it all the way into the point of Jack’s nose buried in his crotch. At this point, Ryad just wanted the sweet release, but he wanted Jack to enjoy his part before the joyride is over. He was a little bit disappointed that he could not hold down the climax, but those firm hands cupping his buttocks pressed an area that made all of this feel so heavenly. Due to the unforeseen explosion of orgasm, Ryad ended up holding onto the head beneath him and pull it closer. Jack twitched and winced as his throat was filled with musty and bitter fluid, which made Ryad feel extremely guilty and embarrassed.

“You didn’t have to shove it all the way in.” Jack coughed out the excessive amount of semen. 

“I didn’t know you could do that with my butt.” Ryad sighed and tried to not collapse on his lover.

 

Ryad stayed over at Jack’s house that night. Mark didn’t really seem to care or mind when he opened the door to Jack’s room to find them in the same bed together. Ryad pretended to be asleep when he heard the door open. After the door closed again, Ryad opened his eyes and readjusted his gently hold on Jack, burying his head in the crook of Jack’s neck. The time passed by rather slowly. Jack fell asleep a while ago, while Ryad just laid there listening to the other’s heartbeat. He still couldn’t sleep.

 

Tobias finally came back the next day. Needless to say, he wasn’t happy Ryad wasn’t in the house. He was in pain, and he couldn’t sleep. Ryad wished everything would just be over, that everything would end, and everything would go back to the way it was when he was younger. 

 

~~ 

 

School had finally started again. Like he had promised, Ryad signed up for a sport, and somehow, just barely managed to pass the mandatory physical. Of course, Ryad put it in the back of his mind that the doctor had typed something in his laptop after a skeptical look, obviously hesitant to give him the go ahead. Someone was staring at him. Sunglasses rested on top of their head of dark brown hair. There was a piece of gauze taped to his cheek. The man walked over to Ryad and smiled. “You signing up?” He asked. American. 

Ryad nodded. “You?”

He shook his head. “I’m Craig, my dad coaches soccer. I’m just forced to stay and make sure no one kills themselves,” he chuckled. 

Smiling, Ryad introduced himself. It might actually be a good year this year, especially considering what happened last year. 

 

Ryad usually kept to himself, never bothering to interact with people much unless it was absolutely necessary. He shared a couple classes with Sébastien. He could never shake off the feeling that someone was staring at him. Ryad didn’t know if it was the paranoia due to the extreme lack of sleep, or it was actually someone staring at him. He could never stop himself from eavesdropping on Sébastien from afar. He never knew how to feel whenever Sébastien would smile, talking to his friends like nothing was ever wrong, like nothing ever happened between them like he was nothing. Then again, it was his fault. He pushed him away. 

 

Practices started for the fall sports. Some German exchange student came along and instantly became popular due to his ‘stunning good looks.’ He became a football player. The first day home after practices, Tobias was pissed. He was screaming about how Ryad was late, spitting out bland Spanish insults to try to get a reaction out of Ryad. Nothing worked. 

“Why the fuck were you gone for so long? Hanging around with that faggot again?” Tobias spat. 

Ryad didn’t know if he was talking about Jack, Craig or Sébastien. He didn’t know if he should be scared or pissed. “I was at practice,” Ryad muttered. 

“For what?” 

“Soccer.” 

Tobias scoffed. “Really? A useless shit like you playing sports? Fuck off. And get rid of that faggot.” Tobias turned and stalked off to his room, slamming the door. At least nothing bad happened. 

 

Practices went rather smoothly. The team wasn’t complete trash, with some players being better than others. Chul was one of if not the fastest on the team. He only ever talked to Craig. Liu was another that Ryad actually bothered to know beyond their name and position. Some occasional joking about drugs and toxins coupled with some pretty good knowledge of strategy, and you have Liu; a cargo shorts wearing soccer dad. Then there was Craig - who was technically not on the team. He’s good company. Turns out, he’ the operations officer and color guard commander for the school’s Air Force JROTC. He said he didn’t really mind it even though he wanted to be a Navy Seal with his friend Meghan. Through a little bit of favoritism and subtle hinting from Craig, Ryad eventually became the team captain. 

 

Jack came over the night before the first football game of the season that he was playing against Ryad’s school. Jack made it onto his team as a guard. Jack jokingly threatened to punch Ryad if he didn’t show up to watch the game. The school day was uneventful. Nothing interesting happened, apart from teenagers swooning at the large football players, and some teachers telling them that they’d better win the game. Ryad didn’t bother to remember the faces of the football players yet. 

 

It was nearly six when the game finally started. Craig and his color guard marched out onto the field, presenting the colors while the marching band on the bleachers played the national anthem. The cheerleaders took their positions and held up a banner for all the players to run through after the anthem. The beige, green and yellow accented jerseys almost blended into the fake grass of the football field, clashing with Chalet’s white, stone gray and blue accented jerseys. Ryad scanned the field on Chalet’s side for Jack. He spotted ‘Estrada’ written in bold blue letters on the back of the jersey with the number 84, talking to someone that seemed vaguely familiar. The name on his back read ‘Nizan.’ The announcer started introducing the two teams as they got ready for kickoff. Ryad was watching the game from afar, leaning against the fence on outside of the field, looking down onto everyone in the stadium. Jack lined up on the field. He took his place in front of another guard, the one with the name ‘Côté.’ 

 

It was a pretty close game. Ryad was still leaning against the fence, waiting for Jack. He saw Sébastien walk up and out of the stadium with the German and some other people Ryad didn’t really know. Soon enough, Jack walked up to Ryad looking pretty bummed. “Hey, it was a good game,” Ryad reassured. 

Jack tossed the helmet between his hands and shrugged. “Still. It sucks,” he muttered. 

“Would a kiss make you feel better?” Ryad asked, slinging an arm around Jack’s shoulders. 

“I don’t know, would it?” Jack chuckled.

Ryad shrugged. “Would it?”

“It would.”

Ryad smiled and placed a kiss on Jack’s cheek. 

 

~~

 

Nothing eventful happened for the rest of the week, apart from practices running nearly every day to prepare for the first game. Craig was in the coaches office to get some band-aids for a kid who slipped and slammed their face into one of the lockers and dragged Ryad with him. While getting the first aid kit, Craig pulled off the gauze on his cheek and got a band-aid from the kit. Ryad couldn’t help but stare at the red, inch long scar forming on his right cheek. Craig caught him staring and smiled sadly. “Healin’ up nicely, right?” He asked. “Some psycho Brazilian bitch cut me.” Craig placed the first aid kit back to its original spot. “At least I’ll be able to get some girls with it,” he laughed, running a hand through his short cut hair. He glanced over to Ryad. “What do you think?”

“I think it suits you,” Ryad teased, booping Craig’s nose. 

Craig frowned and stuck out his tongue. “If looks could kill, you’d be a weapon of mass destruction,” Craig teased. 

Ryad stared at him and blushed. 

The other chuckled loudly and Ryad on the back. “Come on, we need to give some super basic medical attention to the idiot.” 

Liu was sitting on one of the benches, handing the kid a wet paper towel to clean up the small bit of blood. Craig lightly slapped the back of the kid’s head and scolded him for not being more careful before handing him the band-aid. The majority of the team had already headed out to practice, only the kid, Liu, Craig, and Ryad were left. “Alright you terrorists, shoo, go to practice,” Craig pushed the kid and Liu out the locker room doors before closing them.

“Is there a problem?” Ryad asked, confused. 

“You got to the football games, yet you don’t go inside the stadium. You’re always avoiding people during the game,” Craig pointed out. He leaned against a locker. 

“I don’t feel that there’s a need to go into the stadium,” Ryad deadpanned. 

“So you just stand outside? Why bother then?” Craig tried to understand Ryad’s reasoning.

“A friend wants me to go to the games he plays in,” Ryad muttered. He avoided the word ‘boyfriend,’ but it didn’t seem like Craig would be the type of person to care. 

“He goes to Chalet?” Craig asked. As far as Craig knew, Ryad never really interacted much with the school’s football players or anyone outside of the soccer team for that matter. 

Ryad nodded, running a hand up and down the length of his arm.

“Well I guess I’ll let you go to practice now, as much as I’d like to keep you all for myself, I’ll get my ass beat,” Craig said winking. He opened the door. Ryad followed Craig out the school and onto the soccer field. Everyone else was running through the basic warm-ups while the coach was writing things down on his clipboard. He called Ryad over, tapping his pen against the clipboard. “You think they’re all ready for the game tomorrow?” Coach asked. 

“There’s no telling for sure, but we can do our best,” Ryad gave a cliched answer. 

Coach nodded and hummed. “Well, take control of the team, captain.”

 

Jack had decided to drop by, watching the practice on some benches along with cheerleaders and girlfriends of some players. When he made eye contact with Ryad, Jack smiled and waved, leaning forward, propping his elbows on his knees and placing his head in his hands.

 

The practice soon ended and Ryad walked over to Jack with a water bottle in hand. “Hey there, cutie,” Jack smirked, hopping off the bench. 

“You know you didn’t have to come, right?” Ryad asked, taking a drink from the water bottle.

Jack shrugged. “I wanted to see my little ray of sunshine play.” 

Ryad chuckled. “We don’t play until tomorrow.” 

“Still wanted to see you though, is that a problem?” Jack feigned hurt.

Ryad frowned. “No, I’m glad you’re here.”   
Jack grunted. “You better be. Get some rest, you’ll need it for the game.” He smiled sadly. He could tell Ryad was exhausted, that he hasn’t been able to sleep well or at all the past few days. 

“I’ll be fine,” Ryad reassured. He pats Jack’s cheek twice. Jack leaned into the touch, looking into Ryad’s eyes. There was no hate, or scorn in his expression, just a loving stare. 

“Want to go somewhere? For dinner?” Jack asked.

“Unfortunately I can’t, I have to go home,’ Ryad apologized. It’s been a rough week. Every time Ryad was ‘late’ home after practice, Tobias would hurt him. Punches, kicks, a slap or worse. 

“I’ll walk you,” Jack offered.

 

Ryad quickly changed out of his practice clothes, throwing them into a duffel bag and slamming the locker shut. He said a quick goodbye to Craig and coach before heading back out to meet Jack. The walk home was filled with pleasant silence, along with the sounds of their shoes lightly hitting the sidewalk, and the light breezes rustling the trees. A small orange and white corgi came into view and stopped in front of the two, letting out a small bark. “How cute!” Jack squealed, leaning down to pick the dog up, hugging him. Ryad chuckled. He petted the dog’s head and checked the golden tag on the collar. “Blitz,” Ryad read. There wasn’t anything on the back. 

“He’s so cute, I want him,” Jack cooed, thrusting the dog in Ryad’s face. “Isn’t he adorable?” 

Smiling, Ryad took the small dog from Jack’s hands. “He is, but we need to find his owner.” Ryad tried to put on a stern expression, but couldn’t. Jack’s puppy dog eyes were a little too effective. He sighed and handed the do back.

A figure rounded a corner came into view. “Blitz!” The figure shouted with an accented voice.

“I think we found him,” Jack pouted, staring sadly at the dog in his arms. 

“Blitz! Don’t run off like that!” The man scolded when he got closer. 

Jack set the corgi down and the dog barked, padding over to the man. Ryad got a better look as he got closer. It was the German exchange student, Kötz. Kötz picked up Blitz and stared at the two for a while, seemingly unable to think of something to say. 

Jack shuffled in his spot, feeling the tension and awkwardness and clicked his tongue. “Cute dog,” he complimented. 

Kötz smiled and nodded. “Thank you.” He eyed Ryad. “Thanks for stopping Blitz, see you around,” he waved and walked off. 

“You know him?” Jack asked, confused. They started walking again. 

“He’s friends with an old friend of mine.” It wasn’t a complete lie, although seeing Kötz and Sébastien so close in school hinted at something other than a mere friendship, but Ryad tried not to care. His stupid actions lead to everything today. He’d have to learn to accept it, good or bad. 

 

Gameday came quick. Players lined the field. Chul and Liu waved at a couple people in the stands. With a quick glance through the stands, Ryad could see Jack sitting near the front with his stupid sunglasses on his face. While Ryad talked to the coach, Chul started leading some basic stretches and skirmishes while the other team did the same. He spotted Craig on the sidelines. The American gave him a heartwarming smile and a thumbs up. The game soon started. Ryad couldn’t shake the feeling that someone was watching him nearly the whole game. He tried to ignore that along with the feeling of fatigue and exhaustion gnawing away at his limbs, but he tried to stay focused.

 

Ryad didn’t even remember the majority of the game. All he knew was that they had won. Jack had invited him to dinner, but Ryad politely declined the offer. Everyone on the team had already left. Craig and the coach had stayed for a little while longer, making sure everything was where it was supposed to be. Ryad was in the weights room, staring a hole into the wall as he was jogging on one of the treadmills while listening to music. Ryad didn’t know how much time had passed. He was exhausted, yet he kept pushing, forcing his muscles to move, ignoring the weariness and his vision darkening. He finally stopped once he tripped over his own feet and almost fell off the treadmill. As Ryad grabbed his water bottle, he spotted someone rounding the corner on the indoor track. Ryad pushed the weight room door open, taking a drink from the water bottle. It was Sébastien. 

“Ryad,” Sébastien greeted, coming to a stop a few feet away from him.

“Sébastien.” Ryad capped the water bottle. He tried to keep his tone neutral as he remembered what Tobias said.

“Good game you guys played,” Sébastien congratulated. 

Ryad nodded in response. He couldn’t even remember the majority of it. He just knew that they had won. Ryad’s heart rate started picking up and he started shaking. He didn’t know if it was from fear, that Sébastien was finally interacting with him, or that he would have to burn the already breaking bridge between the two, or if it was just his body failing him. 

Sébastien took a deep breath “You know what I wish?” He asked. 

Ryad just stared at him.

“I wish that we never drifted apart. I wish that we were still friends,” he said quietly. With every word, Ryad grew more and more fearful, more  _ guilty _ . He didn’t want to, but he  _ had _ to, otherwise, Tobias would do it for him. Otherwise, Tobias would kill him. 

“I-I wish that we never met,” Ryad responded quietly. Ryad regretted saying those words the second they came out his mouth. Sébastien’s expression made it look like he just witnessed someone getting run over by a truck. Ryad clenched his fists and bit his tongue when tears started falling down Sébastien’s eyes. He did it. He finally burned the bridge, and he burned any hope of them ever reconnecting. It was over.

 

After Sébastien left, Ryad had punched a locker. It didn’t seem like anyone had heard, even though the sound the locker made was significantly louder than the quiet atmosphere of the near-empty school. “Ryad.” A voice called out. He turned around to see one of his teachers, still in his outfit today with his thermos in hand, looking concerned. “I never knew you had a liking for punching lockers, never struck me as the type.” 

“I never knew you stayed at school this late, Mr. Baker,” Ryad muttered. Sassing one of the sassiest teachers in the building probably wasn’t a good idea, but he honestly couldn’t bring himself to care. 

“Does coach Jenson know you’re still here?” Mr. Baker asked. 

Ryad shook his head. 

“Your father?” 

The same response. 

“You have a way to get home?” Mr. Baker asked. 

“Yeah,” Ryad muttered. 

“That isn’t the question I should be asking,” Mr. Baker sighed and dragged a hand down his face. “Do you  _ want  _ to be home?” 

Ryad’s hesitation to answer the question gave Mr. Baker all he needed to know. 

“Where do you want to be?”

“Away from here.” 

“You have anyone you can stay with?” Mr. Baker asked. 

“Why are you even trying to help me?” Ryad snapped. He ignored the pounding pain in his head along with his throbbing hand. There was no reason he should deserve help, he’s a horrible, broken person. 

Mr. Baker sighed. “You’re a bright lad, observant, smart, all that shite. And yet, you can never seem to hide your bruises well enough. Ryad’s blood froze. “You need to get away from it,” Mr. Baker said quietly.

“I can’t.” Ryad clenched and unclenched his fist. If he knew, if he  _ suspects _ , how many others do as well? 

Mr. Baker sighed sadly. “Come with me.” 

Ryad didn’t argue and followed Mr. Baker out the front doors and into the parking lots. His heart wouldn’t stop racing. “Where are we going?” Ryad asked. 

Mr. Baker unlocked his car and opened the passenger seat door for Ryad. “Your house. Where is it?” 

Ryad got in the car and gave Mr. Baker the directions to his house. Multiple thoughts raced through his mind on the drive there. Would Mr. Baker just leave him there? What would Tobias think? _How would he react?_ _Would he help?_

 

Mr. Baker pulled up to the driveway and turned off the engine to the car. “Stay right there,” he instructed, getting out of the car. Ryad stayed in the seat, nervously glancing over to Mr. Baker, who walked up to the front door and knocked with a blank expression. The door swung open and Tobias stumbled out, piss drunk. Ryad sunk down into the seat to avoid detection. Some words were exchanged, and soon enough, Tobias threw a punch. Mr. Baker quickly evaded the punch and grabbed a hold of Tobias’ arm, and swept his legs out from under him. Tobias hit the ground with a thud. It wasn’t surprising that Mr. Baker was able to take him down so quickly, it was rumored that he beat the Scottish security guard that was built like an Olympic weightlifter and wrestler. Mr. Baker looked back to Ryad and gestures for him to get out the car. Ryad did so and walked over to the two adults. “Get your stuff, we’re leaving,” Mr. Baker said, holding Tobias down. Ryad ran up to his room and grabbed his duffel bag. He threw in some clothes and anything else he might need. He took Faisal’s jacket from the closet and put it in the bag with more care before zipping everything up. He picked up his backpack that was on the floor and walked back downstairs. Ryad took a look around. There were empty beer bottles and cans everywhere. The sight of crumpled cigarette boxes, along with the faint smell of something rotting was enough to make him sick. Ryad quickly walked past Tobias and Mr. Baker, back into the car. He put his bags in the back seat, got in and anxiously waited. 

 

A few minutes had passed when Mr. Baker finally returned. There was a red mark on his cheek but it didn’t seem like it bothered him. He started up the car again and drove. They drove past Jack’s house before turning down to the main roads. An unfamiliar car was parked in the driveway of Jack’s house, in front of the garage door. Ryad has never seen the car before. Maybe it was a friend of Jack’s or a co-worker of Mark’s. He tried not to put too much thought into it. Ryad was too tired to think too deeply about Jack’s life outside of what he already knew. 

 

The drive was quiet. Mr. Baker drove in the general area of where Chalet was. He pulled up to a house and opened the garage door. He drove in before turning off the car. “You’ll be staying with me for a bit,” Mr. Baker said. 

“Is this even legal?” Ryad asked. 

“Pretend it’s a sleepover then, I have to take care of a petulant teenager and a barely functional adult anyway,” Mr. Baker opened the back doors to his car and took out the two bags that were in the back seat. He closed the garage doors and knocked on the door leading into the house. The door was opened by a disgruntled teenager a few seconds later. “Why weren’t you home earlier?” He asked. 

“Work. Where’s James?” Mr. Baker responded. 

“In his room, where else?” The teen replied. He glanced over at Ryad and ran a hand through his messy hair. “Who’s that?”

“Ryad, a student,” Mr. Baker introduced him. “This hooligan is Mark,” he gestured to the teen. Mark nodded and left to go upstairs. 

Mr. Baker sighed and placed his things down on the island in the center of the kitchen. “He’s an introverted twat, but a good kid, just… troubled.” He kept a hold of his keys. 

Suddenly, another short Brit - this time shirtless - came running down the stairs, tripped, crashed into a wall, and fell down the second half of the stairs. He sat up and rubbed his head, muttering loud curses. 

“That bloke is James,” Mr. Baker facepalmed. 

“This reminds me of the time my uni burned down. Bloody idiots piled the stairs and fell over one another,” James chuckled, getting up off the floor. He leaned on the railing of the stairs and stared at Ryad for an uncomfortable amount of time. He smirked when Ryad squirmed under his gaze.

“You were the one that burned it down, you crazy shite,” Mr. Baker retorted. 

James snorted and sauntered over to the kitchen like he didn’t just fall down the stairs a few seconds ago, opening the refrigerator. “He going to be staying?”

Mr. Baker hummed. “Yes. And put on a fucking shirt.” 

James sighed and got a single egg out of the refrigerator before closing the doors. He picked up an apron that was hanging on some clothing hooks on the wall and put it on. 

“That’s not a shirt,” Mr. Baker deadpanned. 

“You should be glad I’m wearing pants, “ James muttered, pulling out a small frying pan from a cabinet. He placed it on the stove and poured some oil and salt onto it before turning it on. 

Mark then came running down the stairs in more comfortable clothing and a phone in his hands. “Dare you to bite into a raw egg,” Mark smirked. 

James stopped what he was doing and looked at the white, oval-shaped chicken produce in his hand before turning around to stare at Mark. “How much will you give me for it?” 

Mark pulled out his wallet from his pocket and looked through the bills as he walked towards the island. “One dollar,” he offered. 

“Deal.” James leaned over the kitchen sink and bit down on the egg. Egg whites and yolk splurt out of the broken egg, running down James’ chin. James bit into an egg. For  _ one dollar _ . 

James coughed and spat the egg out into the sink, holding his hand out for his payout. Mark rolled his eyes and slapped the dollar bill into James’ hand. Mr. Baker, on the other hand, looked like he had just gotten some years cut off his lifespan throughout the whole ordeal. He hung up his keys on the key hooks and headed upstairs. “Where are you goin’?” James asked, rinsing out his mouth with water. 

“To take a shower. De-stress because of you bloody blokes,” Mr. Baker explained. 

“But Mike,” James grinned. “Wouldn’t Seamus do a much better job at ‘de-stressing’ you?” 

Mr. Baker pulled a quarter out of his pocket and threw it squarely at James’ forehead before disappearing upstairs.

“Is he really shaggin’ Seamus?” Mark asked. 

James shrugged. “Either that or Mike just really likes agreeing with him.” 

“Seamus? The Hereford security guard?” Ryad asked. 

“He speaks! And yes, he’s the Hereford security guard. You go there?” James asked. 

Ryad nodded. Who knew the grumpy history teacher was banging the head security guard.

“I go to Bartlett,” James boasted. 

“You might not go there anymore. You burned it down, remember?” Mark pointed out.

“In my defense, I was left unsupervised.”

“Still a stupid thing to do, regardless,” Mark muttered. He grabbed an apple out of the fruit bowl and bit into it. 

James scoffed and glanced over at Ryad. “What do you think, kid?” 

“About you burning down your university?” Ryad double checked to make sure that he was about to input his opinion on the right thing. 

James nodded. 

“Seems pretty stupid,” Ryad muttered. 

James gasped loudly and placed his hand over his heart. “You wound me!” 

Mark rolled his eyes. “You survived plenty of stupid shite, you’ll be fine.” 

 

Friday was boring. Nothing happened and nothing changed. Mr. Baker pretended nothing happened during his class, and he pretended that he didn’t have a large bruise on his face. The bruise became the biggest gossip that day. Lunch rolled around and Ryad sat with Craig and some of his friends. The only one he really bothered to know was Meghan, a wrestler, cheerleader, and some sort of officer in JROTC. He placed down his pizza that could be substituted for cardboard and listened in to what Craig had to say. “He can easily kick ass, I don’t think he’d get taken down  _ that easily _ ,” Craig muttered. 

“What proof do you have?” Meghan asked. 

“Saw him kick Seamus’ ass once in the wrestling room,” Craig said as if it was the most obvious and boring thing in the world. 

“Bullshit!” Meghan exclaimed. “Have you  _ seen  _ Seamus?” 

“Yeah, but Mr. Baker’s been in like, three wars!” Argued Craig. 

Meghan sighed and looked over to Ryad. “What do you think?”

‘ _ I think that it’s my fault.’ _ “It’s not hard to believe,” he muttered. According to James, their favorite sassy, British history teacher that’s always suspected of adding in splashes of scotch into his tea might have some special relations with one Scottish security guard, but he wasn’t going to tell anyone. 

Craig gave Meghan a shit eating grin and she just rolled her eyes in response. 

 

The weekend was boring. Nothing happened. Sure, James kept Ryad from bashing his skull into the wall out of boredom by doing undeniably stupid things such as throwing a detergent pod against the wall to see how much force it would take to break it, along with almost eating one. Luckily Mark stopped him. Nothing happened on Monday either, but Ryad took a risk and dropped by Jack’s house after school. He apologized for disappearing for a bit and promised to hang out more. Tuesday was at least somewhat interesting. Mark forced Mr. Baker to let him go to Hereford for a day. He wanted to see what Chalet’s rival school was on the inside. Mr. Baker only agreed if Mark would go find a job. Tuesdays were also the days where the JROTC cadets wear their uniforms. Craig greeted Ryad when he walked into class, with Mark following closely. “You look like a blueberry,” Ryad teased, taking his seat next to Craig. He was wearing his ‘Class A’ uniform, service coat, blue slacks, ribbons, ranks, fancy colored cord, the whole nine yards. 

Craig chuckled and leaned back in his chair. “You don’t look too bad yourself,  _ however _ ,” he paused. “Your shirt has to go. You can stay though,” he smirked. 

Ryad chuckled. “What’s wrong with my shirt?” 

“It’s got the wrong flag on it,” Craig joked. 

“Haha, I’m not even from America,” Ryad got out his binder and set it on the table. He had forgotten he took the shirt from Mark, pretending to be hurt.

“I was joking,” Craig muttered. 

“I know,” Ryad laughed, throwing a sticky note at Craig. 

Craig groaned. “You’re like my own personal brand of heroin.” 

“What does that mean?”

Craig shrugged. Mark had disappeared somewhere shortly after class started. He most likely went to annoy Mr. Baker. 

 

~~

 

The next weeks blurred together. Everything was better than it was when Ryad was living with Tobias, but he still couldn’t sleep. Everything was fine, he’s safe, why couldn’t he just  _ sleep _ ? Surprisingly, Ryad survived the next couple games. He went to the one game that Jack played in, cheering them on alongside Mark who just sat there, more or less. Ryad officially met Julien who was somehow both the football captain and the track captain. Just looking at Julien, Ryad could tell that he was the type to participate in every single sport and still somehow manage to keep their grades up. Turns out it was Julien’s car that was in Jack’s driveway when he left Tobias’ house. He was exhausted, and Jack could tell. He always does. 

 

That night, Ryad went to the park that he and Jack frequented during the summer. He texted for Jack to find him, and climbed to the top of the gazebo. It didn’t take Jack too long to find him. They always stayed within the same three spots whenever they sent their cryptic ‘find me’ messages to one another. Jack joined him on top of the gazebo and sat down next to Ryad. “Something up?” He asked quietly.

“I just don’t understand,” Ryad muttered. 

Jack didn’t say anything and just listened to what Ryad had to say. 

“I’m happy, I’m  _ free _ , so why am I still tired?” He asked, shifting his gaze to Jack. Jack knows what happened to him. He’s always known, but he never said anything.

Jack pulled Ryad into a hug and rested his head on Ryad’s shoulder. “Change isn’t going to happen immediately. It’s going to be slow and painful, but I’m here for you. I’ll  _ always _ be here for you. You’re my little ray of sunshine, after all, I can’t let them take you away.” 

 

~~

 

Jack had ditched school to shadow Ryad for a day, the day of their fourth soccer game. He’s been feeling more drained than ever, but still pushed forward. He just felt bad that Mr. Baker would have to stay late just to drive him home. Jack became quick friends with an engineering dork named Jordan Trace in gym. Their shared love for the military and anything gun made for a fast friendship. Jack didn’t seem to like Craig as much, even though they could essentially be carbon copies of one another. Ryad could just feel the angry stare coming off Jack whenever Craig was around, even with his stupid sunglasses. 

 

“Why do you hate Craig?” Ryad asked during lunch. Jack was nice enough to use his car to drive him out for some slightly more ‘healthy’ food. 

Jack shrugged and pulled up to the Wendy’s drive-thru. “Just… bad vibes is all.” Ryad paused and let Jack order the food; a baconator and some sort of salad. 

“What do you mean about ‘bad vibes’?” Ryad asked as Jack pulled up to the first window.

He paid the cashier and sighed, pulling up to the next window. He grabbed the food, placed it on Ryad’s lap and drove back to the school. 

“Jack?” Ryad was getting worried. 

Jack came to a stop at a red light, sighed heavily and leans back in his seat. “It's just... “ Jack faltered and groaned. Ryad couldn't tell if the other was blushing or if it was just the light hitting his face awkwardly. Maybe the lack of sleep was finally starting to mess with his vision. “It's just that he has the  _ biggest _ crush on you, and it pisses me off!” 

So that's the reason. Ryad laughed. “You're jealous.”

Jack glared at Ryad with a red face and slammed down on the gas pedal before easing up. “Shut up!”

Ryad smirked and took a drink from Jack’s large cup of diabetes. “I never knew.”

Jack chuckled. “You’re oblivious and adorable.” Jack arrived at the school and parked the car, turning off the engine. He glanced over at Ryad and frowned. Ryad was staring straight ahead with a blank stare, quiet. “Something wrong?” Jack asked quietly. 

Ryad shook his head. “I’m just tired.” He wasn’t completely lying, or completely telling the truth. He is tired, just not the type where you pass out and sleep for a few hours, it’s the type of tired where everything feels hopeless like you’re drowning and no one can help, the type of tired where you don’t even want to move, to wake up. 

Jack reached over and took a hold of Ryad’s hand, squeezing it lightly. “You’re going to get through it, I know you will,” he smiled. 

 

Ryad had passed out during history. Mr. Baker didn’t care too much. He knew Ryad was exhausted. A few boring hours later, and it was game time. Craig was on the bleachers talking to one of his JROTC and cheerleader friends, Meghan. He might have even heard James loudly cheering somewhere. Jack was sitting on the left side of the bleachers in the front, focusing intently on the game. It was tied up, and every part of Ryad was weighed down with fatigue. A time-out had been called from the other team, and Ryad was listening to the coach, even though everything was muffled and echoey. His vision started blurring. Coach placed a hand on Ryad’s shoulder as he dragged a hand down his face and tried to focus, but couldn’t. He took a step back and his leg almost failed to work. He turned around and tried to return to the field, but everything was a blur. Everything stopped. His legs collapsed. The ground looked much closer than it had been before. 

  
  


Ryad didn’t know how much time had passed, or what happened, but he ended up in a hospital. The sterile smell was giving him a headache as he prodded at the catheter in his hand. He must have blacked out. It seems to be the only logical explanation. Or more so, the only explanation. 

 

He spent two days just lying there, staring a hole into the television that played nonstop reruns. The bland hospital food was actually starting to become either appetizing or plain disgusting. A nurse knocked on the door and let herself in, saying that someone’s here to see him soon. Who knows, maybe it could be Jack or Mr. Baker. The camera that was in the room started moving after being a stationary position for the last couple of days. Ryad just sighed and closed his eyes. The door slammed open, and in walked Tobias, screaming curses in broken Spanish, words not even forming coherent sentences. Ryad didn’t respond. 

“Did you get rid of the faggot?” He asked, closing the door. 

Ryad nodded. 

“Good.” Tobias sat down on the chair next to the bed and took a hold of Ryad’s left arm. Ryad flinched, instinctively pulling back. The grip on his arm tightened and Tobias nearly pulled Ryad out of the bed. He placed a hand on the back of Ryad’s head, forcing Ryad to look him in the eyes. Ryad tensed up and pulled back again. Tobias scowled, holding Ryad still. Ryad didn’t dare to move anymore and didn’t move. Ryad was shaking and breathing heavily. He tried to ignore the heart rate monitor speeding up. Ryad grabbed a hold of the railing with his right hand. “Now, if you ever pull that shit again, I’ll fucking lock you up in the basement. I think you know what I’ll do to you,” Tobias whispered into Ryad’s ear. Tobias let go of Ryad and left the room. Ryad laid back down on the bed and brought his hands up to his face, breathing heavily. 

 

The next day, Ryad was signed out of the hospital by Tobias. Ryad changed out of the paper scrubs and back into the clothes he wore the night of the game along with Faisal’s jacket. Tobias was leaning against the wall with his arms crossed. A stern expression was on his face. He didn’t say anything as Ryad exited the hospital room and just left. Ryad wordlessly followed. He followed Tobias to his car and got in. The drive to Tobias’ house was filled with tension. The car pulled up to the driveway and Ryad quickly exited the vehicle and went up to his old room, closing and locking the door. He finally turned on his phone and checked it. There were multiple missed calls and texts from Jack, James and Craig. Most of the texts were the standard, ‘where are you, are you alright?’ He listened to the messages left by Jack. He sounded destroyed, tired,  _ worried. _ Ryad couldn’t bring himself to answer any of the texts or calls.

 

Night fell and police surrounded the house. Two officers knocked on the door, waiting for someone to answer. Tobias eventually gave in and opened the door. Ryad didn’t know what happened next, but yelling was heard, and then there was silence. Ryad looked out his window. Tobias was being arrested. It felt like an enormous weight had just been lifted off him. The two officers came into the house and knocked on Ryad’s door. “You there? We have a warrant,” one of them said. Ryad took a deep breath and opened the door. 

“You alright?” One of the officers asked. 

Ryad nodded. Someone found out. Someone found evidence. 

“You’re going to be alright,” the other said quietly. “Grab your stuff, you’re safe now.” They turned and exited the room, closing the door behind him. Ryad didn’t know what to do. He didn’t have anyone now, he didn’t want to burden anyone. He’s too old for the foster system. It’s just him. He grabbed the bare essentials that was still in the room and not with Mr. Baker, tossed them in a spare backpack and climbed out the back window. He could go back with Mr. Baker, with Mark and James, but he’s spent enough time with him. They’ve done enough for him. He couldn’t let Jack take care of him. He’s great, wonderful, but he’s done enough. Ryad can’t bear to be that burden.

 

~~

 

Ryad didn’t know exactly how much time had passed, somewhere on the verge of months. All the days were just melded together, days and nights repeated, passing by slowly. It was getting colder and colder. He hadn’t eaten in a while. He hasn’t slept in a while either, but that’s normal. It’s been normal. He kept his phone off. He didn’t think he’d be able to deal with any calls or texts. 

It was about seven in the morning. The frigid wind was cutting at his skin as he huddled up into a ball underneath a large tree in a park, shivering. He heard someone walking towards him, someone that was stupid enough to be out at this time when it’s so cold. “Hey, you alright?” A deep, familiar voice called out to Ryad. 

Ryad looked up and was met face to face with Craig, walking a large German Shepard. He looked pretty much the same, shaggy but well kept hair, clean shaven face, and the fading scar on his cheek. His German Shepard pressed his nose against Ryad’s calf. “Ryad? Shit, man, what are you doing out here?” Craig asked. “Where have you been?” Craig knelt down, took off his jacket and placed it around Ryad’s shoulders. Craig has been working out more.

“It’s been awhile,” Ryad muttered, pulling the jacket closer to him.. 

“Yeah. Do you need anything? Water? Food? A place to live?” Craig offered. 

Ryad shook his head. He just needed to sleep. To  _ forget _ . 

Craig held his dog back and hugged the German Shepherd, sighing. “Your boyfriend’s been looking for you.” 

Ryad looked over at Craig. Disbelief was evident on his expression. Craig’s expression was empty, remorseful even. 

“It’s true. Been coming to Hereford every few days looking around. Says you weren’t home. That no one was home.” 

Jack still cares. Of course he does. His selflessness and stubbornness would be his downfall one day.

“Ryad.” Craig snapped Ryad out of his trance and looked at him with worried eyes. His dog whined and Craig give the large dog a reassuring pat on the head. 

Ryad stood up and took off Craig’s jacket giving it back. “I’m fine.” He turned and walked towards some alleys in between two buildings. He knew Craig wanted to follow, but he didn’t. Ryad didn’t need anyone. Not now, at least. 

  
  


Ryad has been following a suspicious trail for quite some time now, if you can even call barely noticable bread crumbs a trail, but they’re there. It just might be some sort of fever dream, to follow the trail, to hope that it would lead to  _ something  _ worthwhile, but it gave him a sense of purpose, to follow it to something. He was in the outskirts of town, standing under a bridge with some homeless people and drug addicts, soaking up the heat from a burning fire in an old oil drum. The trail was fading. The murders stopped, as did the drug trades, so there was nothing left but to wait. 

 

It stopped snowing at last. Cold snow crunched under Ryad’s shoes as he walked through the alleyways with his hands in his pockets. Faint footsteps were still there, barely covered by a few days worth of snow. They started further back by a blood soaked wall. He followed them to an old house. It didn’t seem like it had been lived in for years. He sighed and turned around. Someone was standing in front of him in a dark green hoodie, shoulders raised but seemingly lax. “You’ve been following us,” he said. 

“If you were the thing I’ve been following, then I have to say, I’m very disappointed,” Ryad retorted. 

The man smirked, letting out a hearty laugh. “A kid’s been fucking up all our plans. Vincente would be rolling in his grave.” He chuckled and pulled out a handgun from his hoodie pocket and raised it, holding it at eye level, pointing the barrel straight at Ryad. So this is what the trail led to. Some stranger pointing a gun at Ryad’s face. Strangely enough, he couldn’t bring himself to care. “Abel,” a woman said in a sing songy tone. Ryad could barely hear the silenced footsteps coming behind him and he didn’t dare move. The man sighed and lowered the pistol. A slim hand was placed on Ryad’s shoulder and he was turned around, meeting face to face with a woman smiling sweetly. “Follow me,” she said, leading Ryad into the old house. 

“Now, why don’t you tell me how you found us?” She asked. Her gaze was burning a hole into Ryad’s skull. “My guys know how to cover their tracks, so it’s a wonder that you found us the way you did.” 

“They always leave something behind,” Ryad muttered. 

She hummed. “I guess that’s true.” She opened the door to the house and walked in. Abel followed closely and closed the door, standing guard with his arms crossed. “Now, what do I do with you?” 

Someone walked out of what looked like the kitchen and leaned against the doorframe, watching him. 

“I feel like I can trust you,” she gave Ryad a sickenly sweet smile. “Can I?”

“Trusting a stranger never ends well.” Fear was starting to set in, his heart started racing and he could feel multiple pairs of eyes on him.

She laughed. “I guess you’re right, that would be stupid.” She unsheathed a knife that was in a holster on her thigh and lunged forward, pressing the blade against Ryad’s neck. Ryad flinched slightly but stood his ground, staring at her, meeting her gaze, trying to anticipate her next move. Instead of slitting his throat, she just smiled. “Nerves of steel. Who knows, your skills might be useful to us.” 

 

Ryad had found what he had been chasing, a mismatched group of individuals, from all sorts of backgrounds, all together to create this gang lead by Taina, the psychopath that almost slit his neck. According to Abel, the old leader, Vincente, was killed by his ‘psycho whore of a daughter,’ Taina. He learned that Taina is Brazilian, coming from a family with multiple siblings. Details were speculations, but things happened that lead to everything today. Ryad had a sneaking suspicion that Taina is the same ‘Brazilian whore’ that gave Craig his scar. He didn’t think asking would be the best way to find out. She already proved to him that she is unhinged, Dangerous. 

 

Nothing happened much the first few days. He received a lot of dirty glares from the other people, but learned to ignore them. He was called into Taina’s small ‘office’ one day. He stepped through the door and closed it behind him. Taina was sitting behind the desk, reading some newspapers. “You’re good at tracking, right?” She asked, leaning back in her chair. She folded the articles and placed it down onto the wooden desk. 

“I suppose.” The silence apart from the faint sound of a clock ticking was unnerving. 

Taina hummed, twirling a pen in her fingers. “I guess that means you’re good at covering up those tracks, and making false ones.” 

“I’m a fast learner.” 

She gave that sickenly sweet smile again. “Good, because I’m going to need you, Abel, and Vincente to infiltrate the cartel, and destroy them from the inside out. Or lead them to us, whichever happens first,” she shrugged. She leaned forward, propping her elbows up onto the desk. “You won’t fail me now, will you?” Her gaze was calm to an unsettling degree, dark blue eyes bore into his soul. It made his skin crawl. This woman was bad news.

“I won’t.” 

 

~~

 

It’s been a long time, years, in fact. Slowly but surely, they’re chipping away at the cartel’s ranks, all according to Taina’s plans. The cartel was getting suspicious, whispers of drug shipments not getting where they’re supposed to are surfacing, along with talk of a mole hiding amongst their ranks. The three hid themselves well, making sure they had alibis on top of alibis with multiple backup plans. The three became quite good friends in their time together undercover. Ryad learned that Abel had been abandoned as a child, and had basically been raised by the gang when Vincente Souza was still alive. He had said that Taina had been like a sister to him before she went batshit insane. Vincente Rouco just happened to share the same first name. Coincidences happen. According to Abel, Vincente had been ridiculed mercilessly for years due to his small stature, but he could easily put someone into the ground. 

 

They had been instructed to rob a series of stores, all within Taina’s ‘territory’ of sorts. Ryad took it upon himself to be the one to tell her, buying a burner phone from a nearby convenience store. She gave them the go ahead as long as they bring home the most expensive liquor they can get. He told the other two the news and made his way to the crap-shack of an apartment, hardly being able to afford it with the few hundred dollars they’re able to swipe every couple of days on their free time. The door let out an ear piercing squeak as Ryad opened it, stepped into the apartment and closed the door, not bothering to lock it. The locks didn’t work anyway. Stained walls and floors made themselves known, dark and mysterious against the newer furniture. He still had his old phone, plugged into the wall to charge. A solid green LED light indicated that it was at full power. He dragged a hand down his face, feeling drained and stressed. He picked up the phone and turned it on for the first time in months. It booted up rather quickly, scrolling through various brand logos before ending on the lockscreen. Instantly, three notifications popped up, missed calls, voicemails, texts. Fifty voicemails, seventy missed calls, one hundred and fourteen texts. He couldn’t bring himself to listen to the voicemails. He knew who they were from. He knew he wouldn’t be able to handle it. He quickly scrolled through the various texts, from Craig, James, Mark,  _ Jack _ . He looked through Craig’s texts first. 

_ Where are you? _

_ What happened? _

_ Please answer _

James’ and Mark’s messages were relatively the same. He took a deep breath before pressing Jack’s contact, displaying all the unread texts.

_ Hey _

_ You there? _

_ I miss you.  _

_ Please I don’t know what to do _

_ I don’t know where you are _

_ I don’t know what to do _

_ I’m scared.  _

_ Don’t leave _

_ Come back _

_ Please, don’t leave me _

_ I miss you _

_ I need you _

_ I know you’re still alive, you’re strong. You won’t let that shit get to you _

The texts stopped for a week. 

_ I’m pissed. I’m fucking pissed you left. I told you I would be there. _

_ Then again I can’t really blame you.  _

_ Was it easy? Leaving? _

_ Maybe it was _

_ I miss you.  _

_ I miss the way we talked, I miss the way we just sat there, silent.  _

_ I miss you.  _

_ Maybe I’ll see you again someday. _

_ Please come back _

Jack’s last message was from three months ago. Ryad leaned back against the wall and let out a shuddery breath, blinking back tears. He should have told Jack. He could have done something.  _ He could have stayed _ . He turned off the phone again and took out the battery and sim card, throwing the two across the room before sinking down to the floor. Too many emotions. Too many memories.

 

The first three of the planned robberies went without a hitch. In and out, with money and loot. The fourth one wasn’t as great. The second they walked into the store, alarms went off. Police soon flooded the scene and their faces were soon plastered all over the news. Surprisingly, nothing happened after that. No one made any calls about finding them, and they made their way back to the cartel. Two gunshots rang out that night. One at the leader of the cartel, and the other at Vincente. Neither of them survived. 

 

Two days later, Abel and Ryad returned to Taina relatively unscathed with somber news. Abel gained a few new scars and an over inflated ego that he survived the whole oreal. Ryad on the other hand just got more nightmares for the few times he’s been able to sleep. Taina called everyone down to the living room for a meeting the next day. She had decided that their next target would be the FBI. She planned to plant more false information, making them think that they’ll be dealing with a drug bust from all the cocaine they managed to steal from the cartel during their time undercover. Taina made it seem like it would be easy, giving cocaine to various people in the streets, and having it land ever so gently in front of some cops, and then have Ryad plant a false trail to some abandoned warehouses, where they would all be taken out.  

 

They were all preparing for an ambush, various shotguns, assault rifles and pistols were passed around. They spend months planning, leading the FBI into traps and false clues, taking them out one by one. They tricked them into a series of empty warehouses by a lake. They waited up on the rafters and roofs, awaiting the arrival of the FBI SWAT. Four squad cars pulled up and the SWAT started piling out of the cars. Ryad got into position and readied his rifle. The SWAT swarmed into the building, guns drawn and ready. They all waited until the SWAT team were in the center of the empty warehouse before raining down a storm of lead. Some noticed sooner than others and ran behind cover. The ones with shields blocked some bullets and moved behind some shipping containers, covering the ones without as much protection. The gunfire stopped. Five casualties. The next part of the plan was underway. 

 

The quick ones would silently go down the ladders, taking out anyone who dared stray too far. Ryad was one of them. He slid down the ladder closest to him, combat gloves soundless against the cool metal, and he landed with a barely audible thud. He spotted someone nearby, holding some sort of device that occasionally let out a quiet beep. Their face was covered by the darkness, but Ryad couldn’t shake the feeling that he’s seen that man somewhere before, their figure and form was just all too familiar, like a distant memory. He shook off the feeling and lurked forward silently, using shipping containers and boxes for cover. He quickly closed the distance to the man and quietly pulled out his silenced pistol, pulling back the hammer. There wasn't enough cover where the man was to effectively use a knife. Ryad crept forward a little more, pistol by his side. The man stopped moving abruptly and turned around, readying his pistol at the same time. The two were at a stalemate, pistols pointed at each others heads, not moving. The man barely shifted his position. The moonlight filtering in through the broken sunroof above them was just barely bright enough to illuminate his face. Ryad’s heart stopped. A familiar face, closely shaved head,  _ stupid fucking sunglasses _ . Ryad’s composure started faltering as he started shaking. Too many memories flooding him at once,  _ too many emotions. _ “Ryad?” Jack asked in a tone barely above a whisper. There was shock and betrayal in his voice, he just sounded  _ broken _ . Never had either of them imagined that the conversation by the river that one day during the summer would ever become a reality. Ryad’s heart rate started picking up along with his breathing. He was sure Jack would notice. He always does. “Leave,” Ryad forced out. 

“What are you doing with them?” Jack asked. 

“Unfinished business, now please,  _ leave _ .” Ryad couldn’t stop shaking. He couldn't some straight. He couldn't  _ see _ straight. “I don’t want to hurt you.” 

“You don’t have to, just put down the gun, we can work this out.” Jack lowered his pistol and set it on the ground. Ryad wanted to. He wanted to so bad, to be back with Jack, someone who cares, but he can’t, he's gone too far, he's done enough. Jack removed his sunglasses and looked at Ryad with those sad hazel eyes. The same eyes that looked at him filled with love, compassion, and now they're looking at him with pain filled eyes,  _ loss _ . “Ryad,” Jack whispered. “Please.” He stepped forward. Ryad’s finger was on the trigger in an instant, but he didn’t pull it. He couldn't. Jack kept walking forward, closing the gap. Jack soon reached Ryad and gently took a hold of his wrist, slowly guiding his arm down and taking the pistol away. “Why did you leave?” Jack asked. “We would have cared for you.” 

A shot of guilt ran through Ryad. He just felt an obligation to leave, that he wasn’t needed in anyone’s life, so he went and made himself useful somewhere, away from anyone he knew. 

When Ryad didn’t respond, Jack slowly pulled Ryad in for a hug, holding him in a firm yet gentle hold, like he would snap if Jack made one wrong move. “You’re exhausted,” Jack pointed out. 

“Is it that obvious?” Ryad laughed dryly. Gunshots echoed through the warehouse. “Please,  _ leave _ ,” Ryad pulled out of the hug and pushed Jack away. Ryad tried to ignore the look of hurt that flashed through Jack and he picked up his pistol again. “I won’t tell you again,  _ leave _ !” Ryad fired a shot at the ground next to Jack. He ignored the look of absolute betrayal. Jack put on his sunglasses and turned to walk away. When Jack disappeared into the darkness, Ryad’s legs gave out. He fell onto the cement ground. Tears started falling. Yet another person he had pushed away.

  
  


The ambush had gone successfully. The numbers of the SWAT were slowly dwindling. Ryad returned to Taina shortly after. She gave him a suspicious look before telling him to follow her to one of the many cars they used for the drive to the warehouse. Taina sat opened the back passenger door and gestures for Ryad to enter the car. He does as he’s told and Taina sits in the seat next to him. The driver and front seat passenger enter the car after and the drive starts. 

 

Five minutes passed. The tension was suffocating, almost choking Ryad. 

“Who was that man?” Taina asked. Her voice was stone cold. 

“Who?” Ryad played it dumb. 

Taina slowly turned to look at Ryad. Her gaze was ice, freezing Ryad’s blood. “You know. The SWAT.”

There was no point in lying. “An old friend.”

“You let him live.”

“Yes.” 

“Now,  _ why _ exactly did you do it?” Taina leaned back in the seat. She tapped her fingers against her thigh. 

“He was an old friend,” Ryad muttered. 

Taina hummed. She lunged forward, knife in hand, pressing Ryad against the car door with the bloodstained knife against his throat. “You could have compromised us. Can’t have that now, can we?” Ryad didn’t dare to move. She pulled her arm back, and plunged the knife into Ryad’s stomach. He didn’t even have time to react. The car door was opened and he was pushed out, falling and rolling to a stop against the hard asphalt. The car sped away, leaving Ryad with a knife in his stomach. He slowly got up and took a look around. This place looked familiar. Like a distant dream that you could just barely remember, but he  _ knew _ this place. It was his elementary school. It was the elementary school he went to with  _ Sébastien _ . He lived a few blocks away. It was a long shot, one that would almost certainly fail, but he  _ had to see.  _ He forced himself to walk. It was slow and painful, but he would get there. No cars passed by, no one saw him. No one ever saw him. 

 

Three blocks later, he finally rounded a familiar corner. A familiar house, and a familiar tree. He hobbled to the tree as quickly as he could, grabbing onto the bark. The crack was still there, at the height of Ryad’s chest. The key was still there, but he couldn’t get it out, not with shaky hands. Counting to three in his head, he pulled out the knife with a muted scream. Digging the knife into the bark, he dug out the key. He held it in his hands. A familiar brass, covered in blood from red stained hands. He dropped the knife. Before, the door was a dull mahogany. Now, it was painted a sand like beige. The outer glass door didn’t work properly, the locks were busted. It would always swing open with even the slightest breeze, and it was still broken. Ryad collapsed against the beige door, using it as leverage to hold himself upright, and tried the key against the doorknob with shaky hands. The beige was getting stained with bloody handprints. It had to work, it just  _ had to. _ Ryad  _ needed _ Sébastien. The key slid in, and the lock turned. The door opened inward, slamming against the wall. Ryad lost his balance and tumbled onto the carpeted floor. He pressed his hands against the wound, trying to stop the blood. Nothing was working. The gravity of the situation hasn’t really set in until now. He had lost a lot of blood. He wasn’t going to make it. The living room light turned on. Ryad shielded his eyes from the light and craned his neck to see who it was. Sébastien. A wave of relief crashed over Ryad, but it was short lived, cut off to him hacking up blood. “You still remember me?” Ryad asked. 

Sébastien brought a radio up to his mouth and quickly said something. Ryad couldn’t hear. “Of course I do, you fucking idiot!” Sébastien grabbed a sweater off the ground and rushed over to Ryad, propping him up on his legs with his back resting against Sébastien’s chest. Sébastien pressed the sweater down onto the wound. 

Ryad leaned back and chuckled lightly. “You remind me of my brother,” he muttered. 

“Yes, I know your brother. He was a good man.” Ryad could tell Sébastien was trying to remain calm. 

“W-what else do you know? That you remember?” It was getting colder. Darker. Ryad wanted to know if Sébastien remembered, if he still cared.

Sébastien’s grip tightened. “I know that your favorite color is purple, I know you have a friend in Spain named Elena. You’ve said she’s like a sister to you. I know you were abused by your father, I know you cut off all ties with me because you were afraid, and I don’t blame you for it. And - and,” Sébastien faltered. “And we were best friends.” 

He remembers. Ryad didn’t know what he should feel. “I’m sorry… I really am… I never wanted any of that to happen. I know you hate me, but I really am sorry. I’ve missed you.” Ryad was getting quieter but he couldn’t help it. It was getting harder to see, to breathe, to  _ think _ .

“No, no, don’t blame yourself,” Sébastien hugged Ryad tighter. It seemed like he wanted to say something, but couldn’t. Ryad couldn’t blame him. He’s done horrible things and horrible things have been done to him.

“Y-you still haven’t changed,” Ryad smiled sadly. 

“What do you mean?” 

“Your key.” Ryad held up the bloodied key in his hand. “It was still in the tree. We put it in there when we were six, remember? Your mother got mad when she couldn’t find it, but she could never be mad for long. She then made us cocoa.” Ryad felt a tear roll down his cheek. 

“Yes, I remember.” Blood soaked through the sweater. 

“I know you hate me, but I’m sorry I hurt you. I wish things were different,” The key fell from Ryad’s shaky hands. He reached up to lightly pat Sébastien’s face two times. He hated that gesture. It was only now that Ryad could fully focus on Sébastien. He had finally grown out of his babyface, light skin, bright blue eyes with some wrinkles around his eyes, and a beard that matched his hair color. He looked tired.  _ Destroyed. _

“I do too,” Sébastien whispered. 

Ryad smirked, placing his hand on top of Sébastien’s. For once, he was tired. Not just the ‘lack of sleep’ tired, but truly,  _ tired. _ His body didn’t want to move. After years and years of suffering, Ryad could finally sleep. 

**Author's Note:**

> :')


End file.
